Thursday, October 5, 2017

The Public Meltdown


I know all of you have been in this strange point in your lives. You are at some sort of heavily public place with your kid, and they decide to say, "hey screw you guys were aren't leaving, and if you come to grab me I'm going to scream my little head off and cause a scene. Then you'll have to chase me."

Now some parents are the type to throw that kid right over their shoulder kicking and screaming, then walk out of that place like every action hero away from an explosion.

We love those people. I envy those people, because realistically, I am not that person.

I was the...
"we didn't just drive an hour out to this bacteria infested kid thing so you can ruin it for the rest of the family. So because I'm so mad at your behavior, I'll make a deal to buy you something you don't deserve on the way out so you'll stop being a butthole. Now pretend your happy for this picture."
...parent.

Sounds like desperation? Sure is... I don't think an experience should be ruined for other members of the family because of the actions of one. Some cases though, this tactic doesn't work, and for the parents that aren't accustomed to the action hero way of removing a unruly child from a public place, these are the steps I used to take. Brace yourselves.

First, what I call the "Parental run" ensues.

This is the capture technique that us parents use to get our kids out of public places. We proceed by glaring at them. Not to draw too much attention, but enough that they know they are going up for adoption when we catch them.

Then the half-assed run begins, this is a run where you are physically trapped between a shamble and a jog. The run where it looks like your trying to hold your miserable dad bod together as if your rolls will fall off at any moment if you move too fast. I say this from experience.

Next part of this horrifying experience is when your child turns and runs from you (they usually smile at you just before this). At this point you'll let out a neanderthal grunt. It sounds a lot like their name, but it's quiet enough where it won't draw attention.

Then the capture... The most satisfying and terrifying part of this ordeal... Your going to grab on to that kid, and your going to want to squeeze her like a cute little stress ball. All while this is happening, she will instanly transform into something closely related to a honey badger, and do you think honey badgers are quiet? Maybe in nature, but not yours.

Matter of fact, this is where your child will be at her loudest, she will even begin to make sounds you have never heard before, not just out of her, but any human you've ever encountered.

Then trying to actually hoist the child up will be the most difficult part of this. He will be screaming and squirming like your trying to kill him, but don't give up. At this point I just pretend I'm an octopus and throw all available limbs at the creature until I've snared it.

Now that you've captured this monster... The "walk to the car while threatening to leave, but we really aren't leaving and they know it." Trend begins. At this point you need to commit to what your going to say, I got to a point in the past where my kids figured all this out and called me on it every time.

To combat this now, the punishments begin after the event when we get home, for hours or even days. It's so satisfying to bend down and whisper to them with a smile, "you are in deep trouble, just wait until we get home you adorable little shit."

Now all kids and situations are different, I just write about my experiences that are relatable to some, if not most parents. We all know the "magazine" or "TV" parent is total bullshit, real life and real parenting is not talking things out every time, or saying all the right things at the right moment, we make mistakes, we cuss, and sometimes regret some things we do.

Here's my take on it. If you always have your kids best interest in mind and they are your top priority. Any decision you make, even if it's the wrong one, you have made with the best intentions, and that's all your kid needs!

Leave a comment and share some of your experiences!