Thursday, October 5, 2017

The Public Meltdown

I know all of you have been in this strange point in your lives. You are at some sort of heavily public place with your kid, and they decide to say, "hey screw you guys were aren't leaving, and if you come to grab me I'm going to scream my little head off and cause a scene. Then you'll have to chase me."

Now some parents are the type to throw that kid right over their shoulder kicking and screaming, then walk out of that place like every action hero away from an explosion.

We love those people. I envy those people, because realistically, I am not that person.

I was the...
"we didn't just drive an hour out to this bacteria infested kid thing so you can ruin it for the rest of the family. So because I'm so mad at your behavior, I'll make a deal to buy you something you don't deserve on the way out so you'll stop being a butthole. Now pretend your happy for this picture."

Sounds like desperation? Sure is... I don't think an experience should be ruined for other members of the family because of the actions of one. Some cases though, this tactic doesn't work, and for the parents that aren't accustomed to the action hero way of removing a unruly child from a public place, these are the steps I used to take. Brace yourselves.

First, what I call the "Parental run" ensues.

This is the capture technique that us parents use to get our kids out of public places. We proceed by glaring at them. Not to draw too much attention, but enough that they know they are going up for adoption when we catch them.

Then the half-assed run begins, this is a run where you are physically trapped between a shamble and a jog. The run where it looks like your trying to hold your miserable dad bod together as if your rolls will fall off at any moment if you move too fast. I say this from experience.

Next part of this horrifying experience is when your child turns and runs from you (they usually smile at you just before this). At this point you'll let out a neanderthal grunt. It sounds a lot like their name, but it's quiet enough where it won't draw attention.

Then the capture... The most satisfying and terrifying part of this ordeal... Your going to grab on to that kid, and your going to want to squeeze her like a cute little stress ball. All while this is happening, she will instanly transform into something closely related to a honey badger, and do you think honey badgers are quiet? Maybe in nature, but not yours.

Matter of fact, this is where your child will be at her loudest, she will even begin to make sounds you have never heard before, not just out of her, but any human you've ever encountered.

Then trying to actually hoist the child up will be the most difficult part of this. He will be screaming and squirming like your trying to kill him, but don't give up. At this point I just pretend I'm an octopus and throw all available limbs at the creature until I've snared it.

Now that you've captured this monster... The "walk to the car while threatening to leave, but we really aren't leaving and they know it." Trend begins. At this point you need to commit to what your going to say, I got to a point in the past where my kids figured all this out and called me on it every time.

To combat this now, the punishments begin after the event when we get home, for hours or even days. It's so satisfying to bend down and whisper to them with a smile, "you are in deep trouble, just wait until we get home you adorable little shit."

Now all kids and situations are different, I just write about my experiences that are relatable to some, if not most parents. We all know the "magazine" or "TV" parent is total bullshit, real life and real parenting is not talking things out every time, or saying all the right things at the right moment, we make mistakes, we cuss, and sometimes regret some things we do.

Here's my take on it. If you always have your kids best interest in mind and they are your top priority. Any decision you make, even if it's the wrong one, you have made with the best intentions, and that's all your kid needs!

Leave a comment and share some of your experiences!

Friday, September 1, 2017

How it feels to be an adult

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

The Mess You Walked Into

Holy crap, what happened here..
A question that I ask myself at least twice a week when I come home from work. My home looks like it was a gracious host to a neighborhood rager and I seem to have found the culprit.
Two children.
Yes... Two dwarf-like humans that find a way to follow my poor wife around all day long and make trash where she cleans then ask for snacks on a 24-7 basis. I am lucky enough to have a wife that enjoys staying home and caring for all the domestic needs and children, while I go to a facility all day and deal with financial needs and adult children.
Trust me this works, I can barely keeps these people alive when I get home.
As I ignore my kids to complete this blog post on how to be a creative dad, they are asking for rediculous things like dinner, snacks, and love.
You know, things that really aren't too important.
All kidding aside folks, you'll come home to your furniture ripped apart or a random structure built out of a very expensive something, and you'll probably get frustrated. Just remember though, they built it with the best of their creativity, they built it with love, and most of all; they have been itching to show you the cool thing they did.
So when you walk in that door just remember, as long as the place isn't on fire or flooded, put a smile on, and act excited at the awesome thing they did with your 2000 dollar living room set.
Then rip your hair out later.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Cardboard Turtle Shells

Turtle Shells.

The quickest way to take overly hyper kids and slow them right down. All you do is cut some holes in a box, and tell them they need to do turtle-y things (Which takes a long time). 

Then you can go take a nap for a few hours. Worked for me..

Just kidding, don't do any of that.

On a serious note, this is a super cheap, exciting project.
All you'll need is a couple dollars worth of cheap paints, scissors, and a box per kid. All of these things you probably already have at your house anyway.

(1/2 a box if you have a really short kid)

Enjoy, and remember, if you ever get stumped on things to create, just try to look at things through the eyes of a kid (Or a drunk adult), before you know it your making turtle shells out of boxes!

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Monday, June 19, 2017

The Best 2 Dollars You'll Spend

Okay Everyone! 
I'm about to drop some serious fun bombs in Blog land.

Does your kid like glow sticks?

Of course your kid likes glow sticks, if you think your kid hates glow sticks; buy them, hand them a glow stick, then send me a message about how you were wrong and Createkidfun has the best ideas.

Just kidding.
Seriously though, brace yourselves.

Step 1: Head to your nearest store that has glow sticks. Its probably a Walmart... Unfortunately we have all had to walk through Walmart at some point in our lives. 

You see some things, strange things... 

Step 2: Fight through the Walmart creatures and make a B line straight to the glow sticks. These things are dirt cheap, grab a couple packs of them.

(Make sure you have your 2 dollars everyone.)

Step 3: Head home with your spoils, then at bath time and crack those things open and toss them in the prepped bath.

That's it!
Your kid(s) will seriously have a blast with this, it's simple and a ton of fun.

When your done, don't throw them away!
Take them out of the tub and throw them in the freezer for next time! (The glow sticks, not your kid) You can easily get 3 uses out of a set.